Submitted by admin on Tue, 02/09/2021 - 19:33
narcissism photo

It is really Makeup for ugly girls?

I'm uncovering so many layers of judgement I've internalized from childhood/teen years, and remembered these gems:

"Makeup is for ugly girls." My dad would tell me...

"Really?? " My mom said rolling her eyes at me for putting on (clear!) mascara when I was 12

"Natural is best"

"You look like a clown" My sister said to me when I snuck eyeliner (I'd stolen) to school to put on in the girls bathroom.

 I am 27 now and wanting to learn to wear makeup for the first time(for empowerment and self love).

I realized recently how much I avoid looking in the mirror, when my husband showed me a picture of myself he photoshoped with blonde hair (I wanted to see what it would be like if I could bring myself to get my first professional haircut and color) I recoiled and tears were in my eyes. "Wow I thought it was cute." He said . Then I realized it's my face I couldn't even see the hair somehow..., I have such a hard time looking at myself, I don't feel like the face in the mirror is me. I wear loose clothes and no makeup all the time and assumed it was due to being a hippie natural type but really now I'm tired of it. I feel infantalized , I know it's not just "being natural" there is something alot more insidious going on. I've always been "cute" but that's it I want to feel like a woman not the dumb kid I feel like. I want to feel sexy... I'm too shy to even say the word sexy out loud.

 I've gotten stuck with shadows of shame , guilt , and "feeling silly" about doing anything to care for myself. I think makeup or no makeup on other girls is totally beautiful and I seem to only reserve this hate and judgement for myself. The cynical voice tells me I'm wasting my time, but I'm not taking that for an answer anymore. I'm tired of living in the shadow of who I could be.